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27 December 2005

My future womb snatchers will watch Wonder Showzen

No, they will NOT be buttfucked on a dark street while learning the way to gay ass Sesame Street...


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Nor, will they be filled with mindless babble from huge assed puppets or sex offending dinosaurs




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DING DING DING!!! They will gather all they need to know about the world from one show..

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WONDER SHOWZEN will be my chirren's learning tool that reinforces the reality of this fucked up world. I wish someone would have turned off the duet with Aaron Neville and Ernie, sat my dumb ass down, and said:
" You WILL be fucked up one day."

Point black. Even if you aren't a child I believe you will take something valuable from this...this..Sesame Street on acid..


They will emerge from the sticky carpet spot in front of the tube an enlightened child having learned about:




and most importantly Racism...

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Don't believe the hype?..here's a few more clips






Ah yes, the inquiring mind of a child. Let's not ignore it. Takeitoutside luh duh kiiiids.Wonder Showzen comes on MTV2 on Saturdays around 1a.m EST. (last time I checked)..And the 2nd season starts in March!


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It's a celebration BITCHES!--(a Christmas celebration)



I know I haven't posted in awhile, but hey what can I say? I'm a lazy bitch sometimes. And Christmas kept me kinda sorta busy. But don't worry coons and coonettes..I got you covered. I'm filled with perpelexing questions and unadulterated hate served chilled--just like you like it :)

So how were my few but faithful readers Christmas'?


Me?...myself personally...I couldn't wait for it to be over. Seeing as though I'm not working at the moment, I didn't have money to buy anyone gifts. It sucks to be me (*sad face*).My mom bought me Mary's "The Breakthrough" a sewing machine. Yes I asked for a sewing machine! I've always wanted one. I'm gonna start working on some pieces for the summer--screw a $34 denim skirt at some crackety cracker girl store when I can make it myself--Yaaameeaan?! Anywaaaays, a few of my loud ass family members came over for din-din, and boy was it a sight to see. Prime rib roast gone in 5 minutes flat..2 Turkeys left unscathed, and my punk ass didn't even get a second helping. No mercy I tells ya. My family just don't givafuck.


Question?: Why must greedy ass family members take plates home when they haven't even finished what's on their plate to begin with?

FUNK DAT!



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22 December 2005

There's something about Remy...

That makes me want to throw up in my mouth.


"Mirrraaaculous..Phenomenal" These are the two words that come to mind when Remy Ma's-Conceited video flashes on my tv screen.. Not because it's a stunning work of "hip pop" art, or because Remy's braggadocious swagger about a lifestyle that I could only dream to have makes me feel like a mere peon amongst two-tone haired amazons...No, these words are the only thing I can pull out of my ass to begin to understand how she could even let the words "Conceited" escape from her lips..Remy Mother, how're you gonna call yourself conceited when all the girls in the video look 374935689348347936548374^10 better than you? Doesn't that picture look like is missing a airbrushed Benz for the backround and two hoodrats flanking Remy on each side, donned with old ass fingerwaves, "RIP B-Rock" tatooes on their tits, and flashing gold teeth. This shit has got to stop.

Conceited??--methinksnot.


On a more positive note..


--SHE'S BA--AAAACK...L-Boog on the cover of upcoming Feb issue of Essence. She looks downright fabulous...

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20 December 2005

Quick post:

Is it JUST me or..

Does Trey Songz....




Make the ugliest faces


EVAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!??
Of course it's not me. He isn't an ugly bruva, but damn son! Stop straining so hard!. And for the love of my corneas would somebody please get this dingy wife-beater wearing, 115lb's soaking wet, crust bucket "I just rolled outta bed" looking ass bruva a stylist. STAT!

(Disclaimer: excuse the alien-esque quality of the 1st 2 pics..I took em with my camera phone-but you get the point right?lol)



In other news...


--Zoe Kravitz, 16 year old daughter of Lenny Kravitz and Lisa Bonet, apparently is a down ass bitch who ain't afraid to take a fowty ounce Olde-E to the head..YA'MEEEEEAAAAN??!? Straight Street!




Daddy betta take a break from applying the ultra perm to break out the studded belt on babygirl

--Shar Jackson, better known as Niecy from Moesha to black folk, and Kevin Fredertrash's "B-Ay!-B-Y-M-Ay!-M-Ay!" to white folk looks a tad remedial here(just a tad). I heard she's coming out with her own reality show. Let's hope it's not a bitch fest and K-Fed comes to visit the chirren and inadvertantly sleeps with Shar. And Shar honey, please put Britney's child support money to good use and splurge on a new wardrobe, shall we?



Negros and Negrettes, gather round for PSA:


--Uh oh..I see Bun-B wearing a Pink Panther shirt in Beyonce's Check On It video. This means we're in for an impending epidemic of ignant' ass rappers, wiggas/wiggettes, drug boys and B2K-esque thug posers rockin em' for the winter--(word to Bird Flu!). Well, let moi be the first to say: YOU ARE WACK. If you are not Camron Giles , a member of Dipset, or Kanye 'A Metrosexual's dream' West you should be smacked upon the crown of your skull immediately--with extreme blunt force for wearing anything affilated with the Pink Pather. I don't care where you are: the mall, the club, supermarket, hospital.. STOP THE MADNESS.





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17 December 2005

Newsflash Heffa: You ARE black!

So I was watching the Tyra Show one day last week and the topic was about people who dislike their race, heritage, where they came from...Basically, a couple self-hating women who don't like themselves... Don't like:

--The fact they are black
--Their skin color
--Hair
--Nose
--Heritage
--Breast
--Black men
--Butt
--Name

I was as shocked as any black woman would be. There is absolutely no possible way I can empathize or relate to this bitch in any way

(Disclaimer: you will see the word "bitch" numerous times in this post, kindly guide your children away from the monitor)

..Picture this self-hating bitch:

Yes...this bitch. Plopping her fat ass on stage, on national televison denying the fact that she is black. This bitch "Shelly Williams"spewed among a bunch of other complete and utter nonsense that:

1) She want's to change her name "because it's too ghetto."
2) She will only work, and eat with white folks.
3) She wants to get a breast & butt reduction, and nose job to look more "white."
4) Martin Luther King never did anything to benefit her.

Just "wow" right? I bet her mother and father are gloating with pride..Can I get a collective

"HOE SIT DOWN!!"
from the audience?...........



Thank you.


I don't even want to give this bitch any shine by putting her on my blog, but she needs to be put on blast. There was also another self-hating bizzatch that didn't want her kids to have "nappy hair" or to be dark-skinned, so she married an asian man. But Shelly Williams appalled me the most...

What do you mean Martin Luther King never did anything to benefit you?! Bitch do you realize the struggle and strife our ancestors went through to even allow you to even sit your ignorant ass up there and even speak out the side of your mouth?! read?!go to school?! get a job?! vote?!

If Dave Chappelle's "Racial Draft" skit was a reality..this bitch would be a 1st round draft pick. No--scratch that, I doubt that even the craziest of white folks would want the equivalent of Clayton Bigsby:

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Black people already have our work cut out for us as a whole. We don't need bitches like her bringing us down even more...

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15 December 2005

Just a few things...



--
What it do baby?!..You'd think with all that money Paul Wall invested in his grill he'd set some aside for
wifey . Apparently she's in a group named "Velvet Ice" (ummmm..) They don't sound half bad, but they could stand to look a LOT better -[ Cake and Ice-Cream]

--Gwen Stefani preggers? If so she can send those damn harajuku girls home now-[ Perezhilton]

--Jodie Watley(yea remember her..) done pulled a Vivica and went and got some plastic surgery -[ Concreteloop].

--Amerie cut her hair..It's cute, but I hope she just pinned it up or something. (I'm copying for Christmas!)

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14 December 2005

Yea I'm skinny--So what the prollem is?!?

So yea, I'm skinny..always have been, and will probably (crosses fingers) always be. Takeitoutside is 115 lbs at 5'5". And can wear a size 0-3/4 depending on the fit. I remember getting teased for my weight in school. To this day I still get:

-Do you eat?


-Are you anorexic--bulimic?!?

"No bitch!--Is my name Lindsay Lohan? Nicole Ritchie?!"




Hilary Duff?


No. it is not.




Now, that's would Takeitoutside would like to say to these assuming cunts..but that wouldn't be very nice of Takeitoutside--now would it?. Instead, I simply give a fake *yuckyuck* laugh, and go about my merry way. Sure sometimes I would like to put on a few extra pounds in the ass region..but why? I'm happy with myself, like I believe everyone should be. I don't think: "Curse those fat bitches for having all that ass..THEY ARE E'VIiiL". And recently, I've tried to be as nonjudgemental as possible when it comes to first sight reactions (trust me it's hard). So when i'm browsing the net one day for a cheesy ghetto love book to fly through, and come across THIS, all that nonjudgemental crap went out the window. Now Monique is a funny woman..no doubt. Ashamed to admit it, but I get a kick out of the negrofest that is The Parkers. But Takeitoutside wasn't feeling this book one bit. And to make matters more complicated, the site included an excerpt. How delightful :) My thoughts are in purple


SKINNY BITCHES. (Hunh?!*confused look*)

Yes, you read right.
(Oh see this hoe trippin'..)

And skinny bitches know who they are.
If your dress size is in the single digits, chances are I'm talking to you(furrows eyebrow). You're evil and need to be destroyed.(what?! this fat bii--) I know because for years, I thought they were my friends, but as time rolled on, it soon became clear that these evil bitches didn't give a damn about my feelings. It was always all about them. Well, not if we destroy them, or perhaps trick them with a one-day all-you-can-eat salad special, round them up, and ship their tiny asses off to a sandy island with nothing green on it, just wall-to-wall fried chicken and fast food. That shit would drive them as crazy as they make me and other BIG girls.(done lost her mind)



Now see, this is that bull. I tried to be cordial, but now it's time to attack fat. Do I come over there and smack the Cheesenormous, Eggnormous, Meatnormous Burger King breakfast sammich out your paw Monique?! No. You have it your way. All skinny bishes don't live off ruffage and brown rice (I will eat you out of house and home if you let me). Just like all fat women don't eat the entire Wing Shing buffet. I know obesity can stem from genetics. And Just because Takeitoutside happens to be skinny--doesn't mean she's healthy(I really wasn't this past summer *sad face*).

Your body is your responsibility. Making a book about your personal dislike for skinny women will not lower your cholesterol by 50 points nor move you to the left of the BMI chart. Skinny women aren't the only creatures on earth who ridicule fat women. Why not name the book "All skinny men are evil" or "All children are evil" or maybe even "McDonalds is evil"? Any would suffice. You may even have yourself a winner with the last title MoMo. Morgan Spurlock did.

I don't buy into "I'm big, beautiful, and happy" facade that some unhealthy fat women use to convince the world they don't feel like crap. If it was true and you sincerely didn''t give a blue fuck what anyone thinks about you; Why throw it in my face? And while MoMo's intention was to make skinny bitches mad and fat bitches gloat with pride. The point is...

ALL SKINNY WOMEN ARE NOT EVIL!





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13 December 2005

Beyonce...please stop talking

12*13*05


Remember those rumors last week of Bigga making it official..Now Beyonce is denying them (typical Hollywood propaganda..pfft!). Honey basically said "Ain't no ring on this finga!".You can read the deny fest here; but while I'm reading through it..I notice one of the dumbest things she's ever--Well read it for yourself:

"I had True Star originally," she said. "And it was a reflection of my true self, of Beyonce. It was really private, and not overbearing. And this is True Star Gold. Gold is my favorite color, and it, basically, is a reflection of 'Sasha,' who is my personality on the stage. You can see in all the ads: I have the hair blowin', the fierce makeup, the smoky eyes, the mic. It's more sexy. It's more outgoing. It's the type of fragrance you would wear if you had a hot date or you're going out, having a 'Sex and the City' night with your girlfriends."

--Question. Why does it sound like B just learned how to speak english and hasn't yet realized fragments aren't quite sentences? (And don't point out my grammatical errors suckas! lol)
--Question. Does Jay-Z know this "Sasha" character?


It sounds like answers to a kindergarten questionnaire..

What's your favorite color?--Gold!!. How old are you?--Dis' many!!!

I like Beyonce, I really do..But I really have a hard time accepting these plugs from celebs on their "fragrances". Personally, all that sheit smells pretty much the same to me--like crap. So keep singing Beyonce. Yes, you are a True Star.


In other news..

--T.O. celebrated his 32nd (I believe so..if not who cares?) birthday last night at the 40/40 Club in Atlantic City..
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I don't know who this negro is, but he looks nice in that suede burgundy suit (can't believe I just said that)


Clinton Portis goes with the Kanyeester Metro-sexual look..Auditioning for a Gap commercial are we Portis?..Lets not.

And if you care to see the other's..here ya go. I think my work is done for the day..

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12 December 2005

Takeitoutside's "Most Annoying People of 05" List

12*11*05

Uno.

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Ahhh yes..The ever prevalent, yet annoyingly, blantantly ambiguously gay (well Al anyway) duo. They even have a fucking website.. I'm convinced celebs are the dumbest people on earth. Star dropped a ton of weight. Was it gastric bypass? If it wasn't....Sheeeiiit it had to be. Everytime I'm cursed with a photo of these two, Star just looks more and more like a bag of flour--Justa' saggin like it's nobody's business; and her neck looks like it's begging for mercy. Star take a tip from Tyra and cop a dramatic wonder bra. Nobody wants to see those pancake titties.

Dos.


You ARE Annoying!--Not the show..*points* YOU. I mean how could you not love the show with moments like these. Maury just shut up and read the damn test. Dontcha' just get tired of Maury coddling these wome--err sluts backstage? "It was an honest mistake..we can test more." :( Maury--she's been on the show 15 times already!! STOP IT! She said she was "2,500% sure" he's her baby's daddy. Why comfort her? Saver no saving! And Maury for the love of unprotected sex..Please put some clothes on these fat kids before they come out on your stage. Just cause they're fat doesn't mean Forman Mills doesn't have a Juniors section.

Tres.
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Who? MIKE JOOOONES...........................Is annoying. They'll give any nigga with a repetitive hook and gimmick a record deal these days. And hell no I didn't call that number. If you did, shame on you! And why does his wavecap looks like it reeks of mildew and sour cottage cheese..YUCK B!


Quatro.


Yes I loved Vanilla Sky. Yes I loved Interview With a Vampire(Brad Pitt was hotter). But Tom..What's really happ'n dude? This year you've managed to assault Oprah on her own show, drop Science (Scientology that is) on Matt Lauer's "glib" head, spit hot ether at Brooke Shields and her womb, hold Katie Holmes hostage;get her preggers; and give her that Ron Mexico, get sprayed in the face with a water gun, and have a hit blockbuster. You are a media machine! But you are ANNOYING. Although you are a middle aged white man, I think this warrants a "HOE SIT DOWN"




Cinco.
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Ugh, Most Annoying Hall of Famer for me...The "Ar-ah" got pepper sprayed by a nigga named Ty Ty, made the "Trapped In The Closet" soap opera, and got booed for a steppers rendition of the National Anthem..HOE SIT DOWN

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10 December 2005

Not so great weekend..

12*10*05



--(CNN) -- Just days after his 65th birthday, groundbreaking comedian Richard Pryor died Saturday of a heart attack, his wife told CNN.

Pryor, who had been ill with multiple sclerosis, died at Encino Hospital near Los Angeles at 7:58 a.m. PT. Jennifer Lee Pryor tried to revive him at their home before paramedics arrived and took him to the hospital, she said.

read the rest..


--Remember Calogero from a Bronx tale?..Well apparently he was involved in a burglary that resulted in the murder of a New York Police officer. Read the rest on CNN

No Sonny around to pull you out of the car this time..smh





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09 December 2005

Nokia commercials = Gift from the devil

12*9*05

So I was a little lost on what to post today until I sat to watch television. Upon my sloth fest of cheese doodles and Pepsi, Nokia decides it would be a good idea to attack my aural and optical nerves with thee worst commercials I have ever been witness to in my entire life! Worse than:


The creepy ass rapist-esque King. And is that a dookie chain?

and:


The ignant', stereotypical Sprite doll that chases Lebron James.

No, far worse than that..I had to deal with THIS:



and this:



Yikes!! That's too much ugly/tardness for one day.. For the love of Geico commercials..Why hath Nokia forsaken us with this nonsense? I'd rather watch that fake ass Destiny's Child Walmart commercial. You know damn well Beyonce never shopped at a damn Walmart (Michelle perhaps)..But at least it looks like they care..

See:





Instead they show me how much people love their shitty Nokia cell phones?! I don't giveafuuuuck about Cletus' favorite ringtone..Nor do I care about how much of a slut you are that you have to delete every guy's phone number after you've contracted a VD from him. And besides, I have a Samsung. My remote control mute button is almost broken because of the "disgust" signal my brain sends to my thumb. I know I'm not the only one who hates these goddamn commercials. I'm fed up and I'm not going to take it anymore! If you haven't seen it. HERE THEY ARE..I shouldn't be the only one to suffer. Consider it an early Christmas gift. From me to you--AY!

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08 December 2005

Top Model (Tyra you know you done fucked up right?!)

12*8*05

How 'bout that Top Model. Four Four expressed my sentiments
exactly

"Nobody touches the dooooooOOOO!"

--
Tyra Tyra Tyra..Where to begin. I'm almost more appalled at the hair than the final decision itself. Channeling Lucille Ball are we? Lets not Tyra.


Nik got robbed like a lost white person in the city, but I think she'll still come out better than Nicole just based on the fact that she got robbed!




I was so pissed last night (yes over a reality show bishes!) It was heart breaking. I'm not even going to throw in the race card. It was all about who performed the best. And I do NOT think Nicole was the best.. Though Nicole was a *sigh* pretty girl..Nik and Bre were eons past her in the picture and performance dept. Did you see Nicole walk down the runway. Booorrring. Nik was fier-yarce the entire show. Her commercial was on point, she didn't need her lines fed to her *sigh*. I'm too through with it now..Moving oooooooon. Tyra ya dead wrong!

P.S- As you can see I got rid of that standard template..You likes? I know I do






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07 December 2005

So many events..so much time to hate

Big in O5' Awards

I saw some of this tragedy. If you didn't watch it, good for you. A bunch of B and C list celebs, has beens, and crackheads handing out awards for dumb shit that happened in 2005. I used to like DL Hughley, but now that negro is just so corny I don't know whether to laugh or to butter his ass and pop him in the microwave. The little bit I saw was trashy and downright embarrasing. I cringed the entire time. But who fucking cares right?.. The only thing I enjoy about them are the photos afterwards so lets get to the hating, shall we..




**Now see..that's just not right. This motherfucker has on a flannel, FLANNEL?! fucking jacket with some shades from Eckerds he picked up along with his Preparation H. Well, then again it's B.Brown. It's his perogative! (to smoke crack before an awards show)


**I feel bad for Brooke Hogan. Reasons being:


1) Daddy Hogan will present a challenge to any b/f she has. Thus giving said b/f incentive to smut her out.."Dude, she's the Hulks daughter, I'm gonna hit that shit!!"
2) She's huge. And she looks like Quagmire from Family guy
3) She want's to be a singer *audience "awwwwws"* BUT she sucks. We don't want another Ashley Simpson..NoooOOOOooooOO!


As for Adrian Currey...Is she from New Jersey? She reminds me of those cigarette smoking white chicks I used to take class with at county college (Yes I went to county college first bitches!--problem??)


hahahahahaha..

---------------------------------------HATE!--------------------------------------------------

--Next up we have the 2005 Billboard Music Awards




**Ugly Ricky look like they haven't washed in 4 fucking days..Threw on a suit and said "We here nigga!"--TRIFLIN'!


**Everybody has that fat friend

**Lil Nasty funky ass John (why is he still relevant?)


Pharrell Williams aka "Skateboard P" thinks it's cool to pose like a "gangster rapper" and show his "bling bling". Listen to me negro: YOU are a CORNBALL!



Nick Cannon..Nick Cannon. Why o' Why is you such a CORNBALL?!



















Ugh..my vagina got dry just looking at those photos..

**Gwen Stefani looks different..dontcha' think? (Only she can pull shit like that off)

---------------------------------------HATE!--------------------------------------------------

And Lastly we have the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show

I DID watch this last night. And My Oh My was it hot from start to finish. The stage was so purty..
I can't even hate on the ladies. I started to call the other half so he could self induce expulsion of his reproductive bodiy fluids, but ruled against it. More man juice for me..YAY!



Yes! All hail Queen Tyra Banks. She was the thickest one there..Fuck them skinny hoes (though I'm a skinny hoe..go figure) It was her very last show and I was fighting back tears (not really..but ya' know). But overall, these were some hot ass hoes. See:




**Seal and Heidi did the damn thing
**Selita Ebanks is HOT
**This was my favorite outfit
**Crazy ass Naomi is HOT
**Adriana "I can't keep my mouth closed" Lima is HOT


If you didn't know any better you'd think I was a lesbian--NOT!. But I do love fashion and appreciate a good show..


Wait!..I can hate on one thing:
Ricky Martin gave the shittiest performance of all times. As if he wasn't shittay enough. He got up there, and proceeded to *yawn* the crowd with his out of breathe, off the beat dancing, velveeta cheesy ASS. Say it with me class--CHEESEBALL! If it wasn't for the ladies he may very well have melted and ruined the lovely stage..

In other news:

Brittany and K-Freeloader breaking up? Oh, no my achy breaky heart :(

Foxy Brown fires her attorney for speaking to the media about hearing loss- Can you hear me now?..Good





"a-bib-bib-bib-bib..That's all folks"



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06 December 2005

Angelina Jolie is a pimp in beautiful disguise



LOS ANGELES, California (AP) -- Brad Pitt is seeking to become the adoptive father of Angelina Jolie's children, the actor's publicist announced Friday.

A legal petition seeking to change the names of the children to Zahara Jolie-Pitt and Maddox Jolie-Pitt was filed Friday in Los Angeles, publicist Cindy Guagenti said in a written statement to The Associated Press.

"We are confirming that Brad Pitt is in the process of becoming the adoptive father of both children," the statement said. "No further comment is being made."

see the rest..

But here's my take on the whole situation:






Why was he even with her? She's a dog.. You know you really suck when your man is hotter than you are. It was only the inevitable that Angelina raided his penis..He's [Zoolander] Extremely good looking [Blue Steel].



If I were a carpetmuncher, I'd hit it...But I'm not. I happen to be very fond of dick, and dick-- very fond of me (BUT I still think Angelina's hot!). So what does that say? If you can't beat em' join em'. Go lesbo Jennifer, for your dignity and your career.

Go Team Brangelina!


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